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Holding the Arms that are Holding You

April 29, 2013

It came crashing in at an age that I don’t know nor can I remember the precise moment I came to realize it. It’s entrance into my conscious framework threatened my very sense of existence.

The finitude, even weakness… better yet fragility of my parents.

It is the knowledge that comes to you that your parents can’t actually do certain things, no matter how big they seem. It forces itself upon you when you find that you can actually hurt your parents – physically, emotionally, spiritually. Real hurt. This awareness is deeply threatening to the insatiable need to be/feel secure in a universe which, on all accounts, is threatening. My response to my parents fragility was to protect them. At the time they didn’t know what I was doing, even I myself didn’t know what I was doing. But this is what it was. I protected them, most especially from myself. I buried my truth because the need to feel strong and safe was greater than the need to be honest. I was “holding the arms that were holding me” I was told. Eventually this meant my truth was lost even to myself. It was only by jack-hammering through concrete layers of fear that I was able to find my truth, but in finding it I didn’t find strength and security. What I found was weakness and vulnerability, right down deep.

I have come to see this in my own children now as they see their own father experience limitation and pain. When my little Samuel crashed on my throat his tender heart melted into hot tears on a frightened face. My weakness was now his weakness. Even at three years old so desperate to feel strong. Now my children have a mind to protect me and so protect themselves. Though what they want to protect themselves from is the very thing they need to feel, to know, to become well acquainted with.

It is this vulnerable, weak, frightened little “I” deep down at the core which needs to be uncovered.

It is this “I” that, when awakened by the “true light which gives light to everyone,” will find strength beyond and outside. You will find that there are strong arms that are holding you even as you hold the life which you have been given.

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